Jan 17 2008
Relationships Count
My Dad’s recent death at 91 brought home to me the importance of relationships to a full and satisfying life. My siblings and I expected a half-full church occupied mainly by 75 children, stepchildren, grandchildren and great grandchildren. After all, very few of Dad’s friends and business associates were still alive. Imagine our surprise when almost 400 mourners showed up—filling every aisle and pew. There were people from Boeing, parishioners who had known dad for years, and one elderly man who had known Dad for only eleven months at the Ida Culver apartments told me, “Your dad was like a brother to me. I’ll miss him a lot.”
The mourners were not all old people. There were lots of middle-aged and even a few “20 some things.” One young lady who worked as a trainer at the local athletic club at Greenlake, wrote me, “Your dad always called me ‘Dear.’ At first I thought it was because he couldn’t remember my name but later I realized that this was a term of endearment. When I am 90, I want to be just like your dad—active and reaching out to other people.”
There were lots of lessons in Dad’s death for my profession of family mediation and collaborative law. It’s struck me that I’ve known these lessons for years prior to his death and that contributed to my decision to focus my mediation and legal practice on personal and family relationships. In helping spouses and parents mediate and collaboratively negotiate divorces and parenting plans, I feel more acutely the truth that preserving relationships is really important for themselves and their children.
My clients are generally caring people undergoing a lot of stress or they wouldn’t be seeking my legal and mediation services. But sometimes they need reminding that their spouse is the second most important person in their children’s lives. It helps to take the long view and imagine yourself at your son’s high school graduation or daughter’s wedding. Most parents and spouses see themselves as sharing the joy and pride of these very special times. Their chances of doing so are much greater if they have been gentle with each other in ending their marriages and deciding collaboratively how to parent their children.