Feb 10 2008
Self Assessment for Couples Thinking of Mediation or Collaborative Divorces
In both the mediation and collaborative process for negotiating peaceful property settlements and parenting plans, spouses need to know that they are in charge of the content and final outcome of the process. The mediator’s job is to facilitate the process by moving the couple in a totally impartial way through all the topics important to either spouse or considered relevant by the mediator. In the collaborative process, the attorneys and other team members form a safe container in which the couple can feel supported and mutually powerful as they negotiate a final settlement.
But how are couples to know if they are likely to succeed. This is more than a “time and money’ issue. The failure to get to the finish line can mean protracted litigation and a “courthouse steps” settlement with little or no emotional satisfaction for either husband or wife.
Stuart Webb and Ronald Ousky in The Collaborative Way to Divorce (Hudson Street Press, 2006) suggested the following questionnaire for clients to assess the probability that collaborative divorce will work for them. As a collaborative lawyer who frequently wears my “mediator’s” hat, I strongly believe that these questions are equally relevant for couples contemplating divorce mediation.
“Please indicate how much you agree or disagree with these statements using the following numbering system:
-
1. strongly agree
2. disagree
3. neutral
4. agree
5. strongly agree
1. My ability to achieve a successful outcome in the divorce primarily will depend on the decisions I make during the process.
2. In order to achieve my most important goals, I am willing to let go of some smaller, short-term issues event though it may be very hard to do.
3. I am capable of making the emotional commitment necessary to achieve the best possible outcome.
4. I am not afraid of or intimidated by my spouse.
5. I am willing to try to see things from my spouse’s point of view in order to help achieve the best possible outcome.
6. I believe it is possible for my spouse and me to restore enough trust in each other to achieve a successful outcome.
7. I am willing to commit myself fully to resolvingn the issues through the Collaborative process by working toward common interests rather than simply arguing in favor of my positions.
8. It is important to me that my spouse and I maintain a respectful and effectivce relationship after the divorce.
9. I have accepted the fact that this divorce is going to happen.
10. I believe that it is very important that our children maintain a strong, healthy relationship with both parents.
Score: ? 30: likely that Collaborative Divorce is a good fit (more so ?40)
Score: 20-30: borderline
Score: ? 20: likely that Collaborative Divorce will be too frustrating
Circumstances such as abuse, addiction & untreated mental illness should be considered, regardless of score.” (as quoted in Well-Trained Professionals Make Collaborative Practice an Inclusive Practice, Marie Louise Mesquita, PhD, Collaborative Review, Summer 2007)