Mar 15 2008
The Physical Environment for Mediation is Important
When I set the table for a mediation session, I’m sometimes reminded of all the hoopla surrounding the beginning of the Vietnam Peace Talks in Paris in the early 1970s. For those not around at the time, there were months of wrangling between the U.S. and North Vietnam on the size and shape of the table—not to mention the seating arrangements for the negotiators. I’ve found through experience that the physical environment is as important to the success of divorce mediation as it is to questions of war and peace.
Setting the mediation table means making sure that there are two chairs facing me across the conference room table. I want the divorcing couple to be sitting side by side working through their differences—not facing each other across the table. Facing each other promotes positional negotiations and confrontation, neither of which is conducive to success. Also, it is important that the mediator be able to give each spouse equal face time, reinforcing the truth that as the mediator, I am totally impartial and listening intently to both spouses on the issues important to each spouse. That becomes impossible if the couple is facing each other instead of me.
Sometimes one or both spouses will move away from each other consciously or unconsciously during the session. On one occasion, a spouse actually moved around the rectangular table, allowing him to stare at his spouse. Usually, a simple reminder will suffice to return the couple to their original positions. The more glaring example was a tip-off that this particular mediation was in trouble.
Two blank sheets of paper in front of each spouse complete the table setting. It’s a constant reminder of one of my rules, DON’T INTERRUPT!!!. As I state at the opening session, the piece of paper is for note taking in case your spouse says something that doesn’t ring true or complete in your view. I will always give both spouses equal time to correct the record so a written reminder of the “point” allows for this to happen without the need to interrupt.
These are a few examples of the importance I place on the physical environment for mediation sessions. I am always alert for whatever the divorcing couple needs to promote a learning conversation resulting in a durable agreement.