Kane Law & Divorce Mediation Services - Seattle/Bellevue/Issaquah/Redmond

I was so proud of Seattle during this past week as our fair city successfully hosted the “Seeds of Compassion” international gathering.  His Holiness, the Dali Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and other luminaries of the spirit drew thousands wanting to learn more about the role of compassion in improving our lives.  For once, Seattle’s image as a “cutting edge” metropolis of the  21^st century was reflected NOT in things, e.g. jet aircraft, software, on-line sales or espresso coffee BUT, instead, the spirit of compassion and what it means today.

 All this prompted me to reflect on the role and gift of compassion in divorce mediation and the family law collaborative law process.  Divorce is typically a very stressful time for couples and their families.  A good mediator and collaborative lawyer will do everything in his or her power to manage and, hopefully, reduce the stress.  The mental health professional on a collaborative team is critical to this result. The goal is to hold the couple in a safe container where they can make wise choices and durable agreements.  

 In the mediation context, I start my private sessions with each spouse at the initial meeting by asking about special needs.  I always ask how the kids are doing and what each spouse’s high end goals are for the mediation.  I suggest that the parents bring in pictures of their children while we develop a parenting plan.  It helps me to see the beneficiaries of a life-giving process during difficult times.  I always keep a box of Kleenex handy, reminding my clients that tears are OK and nothing to be embarrassed about.

 My hope is that these  and other strategies will help enlarge my “capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside someone else’s skin…,”  part of Frederick Beuchner’s definition of compassion?  But I also believe that the motive is action—my goal of facilitating agreements that allow clients to move on with their lives while preserving important relationships.  As Archbishop Tutu points out, “Compassion is not just being sentimental and feeling with someone, but seeking to change the situation.  If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action!”

Many couples I work with as a divorce mediator and collaborative lawyer have trouble communicating with each other. No surprise here, but certainly not helpful in negotiating with the help of a mediator or collaborative team how best to parent children and divide marital assets.

It’s one thing to inform clients that my objective as a mediator is to facilitate a peaceful resolution of their marriage that allows clients to move on with their lives and preserve important relationships at the same time. It’s quite another thing to manage a process where spouses are talking past one another—unintentionally causing hurt feelings and pushback. So often, it’s not the content that’s important but the judgmental language and tone inflection that invites retaliation and threatens the mediation process.

In such situations, I often recommend a wonderful little paperback, Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton & Heen. This book is equally useful in raising difficult issues with bosses, children, and clients but I see the results in divorce mediations and collaborative law. Among the pearls of wisdom is the authors’ advice to start with identity when discussing difficult topics. Three core identity issues are: Am I competent?; Am I a good person? and Am I worthy of love?

During a mediation session, I listen closely for attacks on these core identities and reframe what I am hearing to take the sting out of the comment so that we can move on. For example, a husband’s thoughtless remark that his wife doesn’t understand the marriage finances might invite the retort that the husband has never shared financial matters. The storm clouds gather quickly.

A good mediator or collaborative lawyer will be alert to such tense exchanges and quick to reframe by saying something like, “What I’m hearing is that George has handled the finances while Joan has taken responsibility for nurturing the children on a day-to-day basis.” By honoring both spouses’ identities as competent and valuable people with important skills, the mediator helps to bring the temperature down so the couple can focus on what brings them to mediation in the first place.