Apr 01 2008
COMMUNICATION SKILLS HELP IN DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Many couples I work with as a divorce mediator and collaborative lawyer have trouble communicating with each other. No surprise here, but certainly not helpful in negotiating with the help of a mediator or collaborative team how best to parent children and divide marital assets.
It’s one thing to inform clients that my objective as a mediator is to facilitate a peaceful resolution of their marriage that allows clients to move on with their lives and preserve important relationships at the same time. It’s quite another thing to manage a process where spouses are talking past one another—unintentionally causing hurt feelings and pushback. So often, it’s not the content that’s important but the judgmental language and tone inflection that invites retaliation and threatens the mediation process.
In such situations, I often recommend a wonderful little paperback, Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton & Heen. This book is equally useful in raising difficult issues with bosses, children, and clients but I see the results in divorce mediations and collaborative law. Among the pearls of wisdom is the authors’ advice to start with identity when discussing difficult topics. Three core identity issues are: Am I competent?; Am I a good person? and Am I worthy of love?
During a mediation session, I listen closely for attacks on these core identities and reframe what I am hearing to take the sting out of the comment so that we can move on. For example, a husband’s thoughtless remark that his wife doesn’t understand the marriage finances might invite the retort that the husband has never shared financial matters. The storm clouds gather quickly.
A good mediator or collaborative lawyer will be alert to such tense exchanges and quick to reframe by saying something like, “What I’m hearing is that George has handled the finances while Joan has taken responsibility for nurturing the children on a day-to-day basis.” By honoring both spouses’ identities as competent and valuable people with important skills, the mediator helps to bring the temperature down so the couple can focus on what brings them to mediation in the first place.