Apr
16
2008
I was so proud of Seattle during this past week as our fair city successfully hosted the “Seeds of Compassion” international gathering. His Holiness, the Dali Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and other luminaries of the spirit drew thousands wanting to learn more about the role of compassion in improving our lives. For once, Seattle’s image as a “cutting edge” metropolis of the 21st century was reflected NOT in things, e.g. jet aircraft, software, on-line sales or espresso coffee BUT, instead, the spirit of compassion and what it means today.
All this prompted me to reflect on the role and gift of compassion in divorce mediation and the family law collaborative law process. Divorce is typically a very stressful time for couples and their families. A good mediator and collaborative lawyer will do everything in his or her power to manage and, hopefully, reduce the stress. The mental health professional on a collaborative team is critical to this result. The goal is to hold the couple in a safe container where they can make wise choices and durable agreements.
In the mediation context, I start my private sessions with each spouse at the initial meeting by asking about special needs. I always ask how the kids are doing and what each spouse’s high end goals are for the mediation. I suggest that the parents bring in pictures of their children while we develop a parenting plan. It helps me to see the beneficiaries of a life-giving process during difficult times. I always keep a box of Kleenex handy, reminding my clients that tears are OK and nothing to be embarrassed about.
My hope is that these and other strategies will help enlarge my “capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside someone else’s skin…,” part of Frederick Beuchner’s definition of compassion? But I also believe that the motive is action—my goal of facilitating agreements that allow clients to move on with their lives while preserving important relationships. As Archbishop Tutu points out, “Compassion is not just being sentimental and feeling with someone, but seeking to change the situation. If you are going to be compassionate, be prepared for action!”
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