Jun 16 2008
High End Goals in Compassionate Divorces—Lessons from Big Tim’s Death
What does the untimely death of journalist, Tim Russert, have to do with couples choosing mediation or collaborative law to resolve their divorces? Plenty, it turns out. In today’s New York Times OP-ED, William Kristol writes that ‘Big Tim’ “died too young, But he lived more than a full life—a life overflowing with achievements, and friendships, and love, and joy.”
As I read this powerful tribute to Russert three days after his fatal heart attack, I thought, “That’s exactly what all of us want in life.” More to the point, that’s what my mediation and collaborative law divorce clients mean when they say they need to move on. Typically, this is in response to my request at the first session that they name their high end goals from the mediation or collaborative law process.
For a couple choosing to create their own parenting plan and property settlement together with the help of a mediator or collaborative team, relationships are already important. It’s just that this particular relationship has become “stuck” in a way that no longer works for one or both of these spouses. For whatever reason, the sense of achievement, the friendships, the love and the joy of life have fled.
How do I know this? From the code words my clients use. High end goals are all about relationship and moving on. For example, a husband’s objective often includes helping a spouse transition to a new career or become financially secure. For parents, helping their children become confident, successful, and loving adults is often a shared vision.
At some point in the naming, however, the focus returns to the speaker and his/her need to move on with life—to reclaim what is missing in the relationship. And the end game which all of us aspire to but few reach is to attain a life overflowing with achievement, friendship, love, and joy—the life that Tim Russert had in spades.
For me as the family law mediator or collaborative lawyer, it’s both humbling and gratifying to help couples divorce with respect and move on with their lives. As painful as divorce is to a husband and wife, the vision of a new life a little like Tim Russert’s, becomes a powerful if silent motivation to negotiate differences and reach the finish line.