May 11 2010
The Indirect Benefits of Mediation Progress Notes
There are also indirect benefits from the use of Progress Notes, most importantly:
- Illuminating communication “bad habits” that are getting in the way of efficient brainstorming;
- Brainstorming where there is ambiguity or other options in the tentative agreements or views of the parties;
- Reinforcing my admonition about one-on-one discussions “between meetings” about finances and other touchy topics; and
- Emphasizing by repetition the relationship between each spouse’s high end goals and the decisions reached;
Every couple I see has unique communication habits honed over the years. Here I focus on bad habits that get in the way of good agreements in the best interests of the wife and husband. There may be the gentle put-down that doesn’t feel gentle at all to the recipient. Or couples that intuitively “think” they know each other’s thoughts and motives—and are not bashful about exposing their perception of unworthy motives on the part of their partner.: “All John (or Mary) is interested in is making sure I don’t have enough money to afford a decent house.”
I remind my clients in Progress Notes that impugning the motives of their spouse must be avoided if they are to achieve their goals. Focus on “I” messages instead of “You” messages in communicating about important things (and what is more important that how you share your kids and property). “I” messages (1) keep the focus on me; (2) are non-judgmental; (3) Describe my needs and feelings; (4)Do not lower the other’s self esteem. “You” messages, on the other hand, (1) put the focus on the other person; (2) Seldom mention my needs; (3)Are blameful; and (4)Tend to erode self-esteem.
Without the clutter of “You” messages, couples can brainstorm solutions to their issues. Continuing the brainstorming is part of this mediator’s Progress Notes. I use lots of parentheses in raising questions as I summarize decisions and issues discussed at each session. For example, (Have you considered who stands to gain the most from taking the children as personal deductions?) (What about the possibility of avoiding the expense of shifting 401K retirement assets from a past employer to your spouse by first rolling over the assets into a rollover IRA in the former employee’s name?). Sometimes good ideas take a while to germinate—they can’t always be summoned intuitively during a 2 hour mediation session or 4-way collaborative meeting.
Progress Notes also allow the mediator to warn clients about things to avoid between sessions. Unless I am dealing with a couple with excellent interpersonal communication skills and knowledge about finances, I typically warn clients to be careful about one-on-one discussions about money and financial support. I do this in bold letters in the Progress Notes: ‘Please do not discuss the substance of your divorce negotiations/differences outside the mediation room, except with a professional advisor. That goes for family, friends, and particularly, communications between the two of you in or out of the house.”
Most importantly, Progress Notes allow the mediator or collaborative lawyer to repeat the high end goals expressed by both wife and husband at the first session—with the suggestion that each client measure the progress made and the decisions reached on the standard of his or her goals in entering mediation or the collaborative divorce process. One of my favorite is “I want to be able to stand next to my former spouse and witness our daughter’s wedding together.”
These high end goals are like the lighthouse beacon that serves to bring the ship through the shoals and storms to a safe harbor after a successful voyage. They guide us toward a respectful and fair divorce. What a rewarding feeling of accomplishment on the part of both clients as well as the guides helping them along the way!
