Nov 10 2010
Connections Between Thanksgiving And Divorce
For divorcing couples, the approaching Thanksgiving Holiday can be an anxious time. It’s a quintessential family time of the year, even if your teenager has switched from turkey to tofu. Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate traditions. In our family, it was the annual viewing of Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation.”
As I help divorcing couples decide how their children are going to share their parents during the Thanksgiving Holiday each year, I gain some insights into these family traditions. Most parents decide on an odd and even-year children sharing arrangement, often with the absent parent having the kids on Christmas Eve. Occasionally, one parent will not have a well-formed Thanksgiving tradition growing up and agrees that every Thanksgiving will be spent with the other parent. The absent parent will typically schedule an early Thanksgiving with the children just as millions of households do every year as they balance invitations from two extended families living many miles apart.
Another question for my clients in a mediated divorce is the length of the Holiday. Is Thanksgiving one day, two days, or four days? Again, traditions play an important role. If Mom is used to spending Thanksgiving with grandma in a distant city or Dad wants to take the children on a “first tracks” ski holiday, parents usually opt for four days. Otherwise it’s typically a one day Holiday for divorcing couples in my experience.
From a mediator’s perspective, the most important aspect of Thanksgiving is the word itself. I try to remind my clients that thanksgiving is important for divorcing couples. They have chosen a process designed to promote integrity, respect, and fairness in their parenting plan and property settlement. Their children are very fortunate that their parents’ relationship “as collaborative parents” will continue after the divorce is finalized.
During the concluding mediation session, after the parenting plan and property settlement has been finalized, I bring in my “newsprint” poster with the handwritten individual high end goals from mediation as expressed by the wife and husband at the first session and restated in every session’s Progress Notes. I ask these departing clients whether they feel that they have achieved these goals. An affirmative answer is the best thanks a mediator can receive for facilitating this life-giving divorce process.
