Feb 24 2011
Springtime & Divorce
What do springtime and divorce have in common? In a phrase, “Hope for the Future.” Seasonally, we hope for change for the better after a long, dark and dreary winter—La Nina living up to the advance press notices. With couples whom I count as my Bellevue and Seattle mediation clients, the run-up to the joint decision to divorce collaboratively is equally long and dark.
William Bridges’ wonderful little book, Transitions—Making the Most of Change, speaks of the darkness and confusion that ushers in life changes that we all experience from time to time. It may be a lost career, the death of a child, a forced move to a distant city far from one’s birth family—or the breakup of a marriage. The opening bell of life transitions is confusion, darkness and a sense of powerlessness. The closing bell—after a lot of meandering down dead end streets and alleys—is a renewed clarity of vision and purpose.
My divorce mediation clients often appear to be resolute and purposeful about their decision to divorce. The counseling sessions and indecisiveness about what to do about a marriage in trouble seem to be in the rear view mirror. Spouses seem energized about valuing their property and discussing how their children will best thrive in two separate households. Digging a little deeper, however, reveals that these husbands and wives may be moving at different speeds in the transitioning process.
Even though the parenting plan and property settlement have yet to be negotiated, there is often a sense of urgency on the part of one spouse to move through the divorce process quickly. The mediator’s job is to pay equal attention to the other spouse—who may not be ready to move quickly through the parenting, child support, spousal maintenance, and property split decisions. By recognizing that each spouse is moving at his or her own speed through this most basic of life’s transitions, the perceptive mediator helps manage the pace of decision-making and keep both parties engaged.
So, as the winter cold starts to give way to springtime sunlight, my hope for the future is that all divorcing couples will be empowered by the process they choose to transition from the darkness of winter to the light of spring.
