Kane Law & Divorce Mediation Services

I get calls frequently from couples who have decided to divorce and are interested in mediation.  Usually, they haven’t started divorce proceedings and are interested in splitting up their property and making parenting decisions without going to court. Sometimes, they have retained legal counsel, entered temporary orders, and watched the legal bills mount—not knowing early-stage mediation was an option.  Couples find me on my website or are referred by a former client or, perhaps, a marriage counselor, a pastor, or a legal advisor who knows my 40+ years of lawyering and 8+ years of family law mediating experience.

These are some of the key questions and answers during that first telephone conversation:

How does early stage divorce mediation work?

I meet with couples in a series of 2 hour mediation sessions at my conference room in Kirkland or Seattle. We address together their parenting and property goals.  We develop a game plan for systematically addressing the issues that need to be determined to negotiate an overall parenting, property, and financial support agreement. As their mediator, I draft documents reflecting their agreements.

How long does divorce mediation take?

Typically, 4-7 sessions are necessary for a couple with minor children.  Less if a parenting plan and child support are not involved or if agreed temporary orders have been entered.  More if there are complicated property issues or the mediator needs to manage emotional conflict on an on-going basis. It all depends on how quickly spouses can come to agreement on the substance and details of their parenting, property, and support provisions.  From start to finish, that all depends on how quickly the divorcing couple want to schedule their appointments and do the necessary homework between sessions.  I’ve mediated divorces that are completed in 45 days as well as mediations that have taken over a year to complete.  Often, my clients complete a mediated divorce within the 90 days that must elapse between the date the petition for divorce is filed and the uncontested divorce is finalized.

What is expected of spouses during the mediation process?

I expect my clients to complete homework between sessions, not only to save money but also to stay engaged in the mediation process.  Divorcing couples are asked to complete parenting worksheets together as well as post-divorce budgets separately.  Houses must be appraised and retirement plans valued. The goal is for each party and the mediator to be fully informed about property and income so the divorcing couple can make good decisions in line with their high end goals.

Do I need a lawyer?

That’s the client’s decision to make. As a lawyer myself, I take pains to point out to prospective clients that a mediator role is very different from a lawyer’s role.  A mediator is an impartial neutral instead of an advocate for one party. A mediator does not give legal opinions. I always encourage my clients to consult a “behind the scenes” legal coach if they want a legal opinion on how the law applies to their factual situation.  Often, my clients will wait until property issues are on the table to spend an hour with a legal coach to better negotiate preferred outcomes. Rarely, do my clients prefer to have lawyers present during mediation sessions. When the draft documents reflecting the divorcing couple’s agreements are completed, legal review is strongly encouraged. We then meet to discuss and incorporate proposed changes into the final documents. I maintain a short list of Bellevue-Seattle collaborative family law lawyers who support mediation and are willing to advise my clients. These referral options are available upon request.

How do you charge for family law mediation services?

I deliberately keep my mediation fees lower than my legal fees to encourage divorce mediation.  I feel strongly that for most couples, mediation is infinitely preferable to litigation for the reasons alluded to in the tagline to this blog. This mediator charges an hourly fee for time spent in mediation as well as preparation time, if any. I expect payment at the end of each mediation session so clients always know where they stand on the costs of the process.  Clients seem to prefer this.

How do we get started?

Call my office (425-605-6336) to schedule an initial two hour appointment at my Carillon Point, Kirkland office or my South Lake Union, Seattle conference room.  New mediation clients need only bring their best selves. At the first session, we discuss mediation; the mediator meets individually with each spouse to assess any impediments to success; we sign a mediation agreement to protect the confidentiality and privileged nature of our discussions; we identify and articulate the high end mediation goals of each spouse; address immediate issues of importance to each spouse such as residential arrangements; hand out homework to be completed between sessions, and schedule a next session.

What do springtime and divorce have in common?  In a phrase, “Hope for the Future.”  Seasonally, we hope for change for the better after a long, dark and dreary winter—La Nina living up to the advance press notices.  With couples whom I count as my Bellevue and Seattle mediation clients, the run-up to the joint decision to divorce collaboratively is equally long and dark.

William Bridges’ wonderful little book, Transitions—Making the Most of Change, speaks of the darkness and confusion that ushers in life changes that we all experience from time to time.  It may be a lost career, the death of a child, a forced move to a distant city far from one’s birth family—or the breakup of a marriage.  The opening bell of life transitions is confusion, darkness and a sense of powerlessness.  The closing bell—after a lot of meandering down dead end streets and alleys—is a renewed clarity of vision and purpose.

My divorce mediation clients often appear to be resolute and purposeful about their decision to divorce. The counseling sessions and indecisiveness about what to do about a marriage in trouble seem to be in the rear view mirror.  Spouses seem energized about valuing their property and discussing how their children will best thrive in two separate households. Digging a little deeper, however, reveals that these husbands and wives may be moving at different speeds in the transitioning process.

Even though the parenting plan and property settlement have yet to be negotiated, there is often a sense of urgency on the part of one spouse to move through the divorce process quickly.  The mediator’s job is to pay equal attention to the other spouse—who may not be ready to move quickly through the parenting, child support, spousal maintenance, and property split decisions.  By recognizing that each spouse is moving at his or her own speed through this most basic of life’s transitions, the perceptive mediator helps manage the pace of decision-making and keep both parties engaged.

So, as the winter cold starts to give way to springtime sunlight, my  hope for the future is that all divorcing couples will be empowered by the process they choose to transition from the darkness of winter to the light of spring.

For divorcing couples, the approaching Thanksgiving Holiday can be an anxious time.  It’s a quintessential family time of the year, even if your teenager has switched from turkey to tofu.  Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate traditions.  In our family, it was the annual viewing of Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation.”

As I help divorcing couples decide how their children are going to share their parents during the Thanksgiving Holiday each year, I gain some insights into these family traditions.  Most parents decide on an odd and even-year children sharing arrangement, often with the absent parent having the kids on Christmas Eve.  Occasionally, one parent will not have a well-formed Thanksgiving tradition growing up and agrees that every Thanksgiving will be spent with the other parent.  The absent parent will typically schedule an early Thanksgiving with the children just as millions of households do every year as they balance invitations from two extended families living many miles apart.

Another question for my clients in a mediated divorce is the length of the Holiday.  Is Thanksgiving one day, two days, or four days?  Again, traditions play an important role.  If Mom is used to spending Thanksgiving with grandma in a distant city or Dad wants to take the children on a “first tracks” ski holiday, parents usually opt for four days. Otherwise it’s typically a one day Holiday for divorcing couples in my experience.

From a mediator’s perspective, the most important aspect of Thanksgiving is the word itself.  I try to remind my clients that thanksgiving is important for divorcing couples. They have chosen a process designed to promote integrity, respect, and fairness in their parenting plan and property settlement.  Their children are very fortunate that their parents’ relationship “as collaborative parents” will continue after the divorce is finalized.

During the concluding mediation session, after the parenting plan and property settlement has been finalized,  I bring in my “newsprint” poster with the handwritten individual high end goals from mediation as expressed by the wife and husband at the first session and restated in every session’s Progress Notes.  I ask these departing clients whether they feel that they have achieved these goals.  An affirmative answer is the best thanks a mediator can receive for facilitating this life-giving divorce process.

Yesterday as I perused the New York Times Sunday edition on a cloudy August Sunday, my eye caught the headline of Brant v. Brant, a nasty “high-stakes” divorce playing out in Connecticut courts. The author writes that this case is “…one of the most bitter, high-profile divorces in years. By the time Brant v. Brant goes to trial on September 20, the two sides will have generated more than 12,000 pages of public divorce documents (with thousands more sealed), paid millions of dollars in lawyers fees and fractured an already delicate cadre of family and friends forced to take sides.” (Laura M. Holson, “Divorce, Celebrity Style,” Sunday Styles, Sunday, August 22, 2010).

My first reaction was “Wow! That says it all—no privacy for the most confidential information in a marriage, horrific expenses that can ravage the financial security of divorcing spouses, and a train wreck for important relationships of family and friends.”

My second reaction was reflective. How lucky I am to focus my professional practice on the collaborative divorce models of mediation and the collaborative process. Couples who choose a good mediator or collaborative lawyer are more concerned with preserving important relationships with children, parents, siblings, and friends. They are sensitive to the high costs of traditional litigated divorce. While unwanted publicity of court documents may not have occurred to them, these couples are comforted by the knowledge that information shared in divorce mediation is generally privileged from disclosure without mutual consent.

As a mediator takes a divorcing couple through all the issues that need to be discussed for a comprehensive parenting plan and/or property settlement, the focus is on high-end goals for each spouse—not positions dictated by real or imagined wrongdoing by the other spouse. “I want to have a cooperative relationship with my ex based on mutual respect.” “I want us to parent with consistency and not put our kids in the middle of a disagreement.” “I want to be independent and financially secure.” These are the kind of goals that drive couples to consider mediation and collaborative divorce in the first place.

This is not to place divorcing couples choosing mediation on a pedestal. They reflect the same kind of pain, recrimination, and loss so often associated with divorce. The difference is that couples choosing mediation are able to look to the future instead of the past. And a future with better relationships, better joint parenting, and more financial security sounds infinitely preferable to the post-divorce lives of the Times marital warriors, Mr. and Mrs. Brant.
 

When married couples in the Seattle-Bellevue area contact me to inquire about what early stage divorce mediation looks like, they are usually motivated by (1) saving money, (2) fear of lawyers/legal fees, and (3) the desire to maintain a good relationship with their spouse.  They are also, by and large, “can do” people who are willing to do “homework” between sessions to keep down costs.

This concern about costs runs the gamut from the Microsoft executive and small business owners to young couples who have much financial stress in their lives.  My mission and message is to be as efficient as possible in helping couples address all the issues that need to be determined to parent well in separate households, split community property fairly, and meet their agreed post-divorce budgets. 

Efficiency means using every minute of our two hour sessions to move through the prearranged agenda with a laser-like focus.  Efficiency also means assigning homework to couples to complete between mediation sessions.  A third aspect of an efficient mediation is referring mediation clients to other professionals for al a carte services between mediations.  Finally, a good divorce mediator is attentive to managing emotionally charged exchanges between spouses during sessions.  I am quick to remind my clients that it takes at least 30 minutes to calm down after an emotional exchange—and that ½ hour, which the clients are paying for, is largely wasted.

 This mediator uses Progress Notes sent out after each mediation session to propose an agenda for the next meeting, e.g., completion of a parenting plan, discussion of child support, valuation of community assets and liabilities.  Usually, the homework (e.g., create individual post-divorce budgets, will track the agenda items.  Thus, the clients have time to prepare for each session and we don’t lose time in unfocused conversation. That being said, the Progress Notes always emphasize that the spouses’ agenda items trump the mediator’s.  Often, there is something important that has “just come up.” We never ignore or delay urgent decision-making.

Referring mediation clients to outside professionals recognizes that divorce mediators are not “universal experts.” Often, spouses want to know what a judge might do about spousal maintenance or property division issues.  I keep a list of family law lawyers who are willing to “coach” clients behind the scenes so they can better negotiate on their own behalf.  Or the need might be for a financial analyst to educate a spouse about the long-term financial impact of various property splits or spousal maintenance options. Whatever the a la carte need, an experienced mediator will help find the professional to help the clients make fully informed decisions.

Managing client emotions during divorce mediation takes good observational skills and conflict management experience. Typically clients calm down more quickly with the reminder that the financial costs increase when the discussions get “hot and heavy.”  Reminding clients that “saving money” is an important reason they are at the mediation table in the first place is a powerful antidote to wasted time.

In my last post, I discussed the important direct benefits of Divorce Progress Notes.  Celebrating the interim agreements reached, reminding couples of their homework to prepare for the next session and creating the agenda—these deliverables all serve to help couples move through parenting and property issues to decision-making as efficiently as possible.

There are also indirect benefits from the use of Progress Notes, most importantly:

• Illuminating communication “bad habits” that are getting in the way of efficient brainstorming;
• Brainstorming where there is ambiguity or other options in the tentative agreements or views of the parties;
• Reinforcing my admonition about one-on-one discussions “between meetings” about finances and other touchy topics; and
• Emphasizing  by repetition the relationship between each spouse’s high end goals and the decisions reached;

Every couple I see has unique communication habits honed over the years.  Here I focus on bad habits that get in the way of good agreements in the best interests of the wife and husband.  There may be the gentle put-down that doesn’t feel gentle at all to the recipient.  Or couples that intuitively “think” they know each other’s thoughts and motives—and are not bashful about exposing their perception of unworthy motives on the part of their partner.: “All John (or Mary) is interested in is making sure I don’t have enough money to afford a decent house.”

I remind my clients in Progress Notes that impugning the motives of their spouse must be avoided if they are to achieve their goals.  Focus on “I” messages instead of “You” messages in communicating about important things (and what is more important that how you share your kids and property).  “I” messages (1) keep the focus on me; (2) are non-judgmental; (3) Describe my needs and feelings; (4)Do not lower the other’s self esteem. “You” messages, on the other hand, (1) put the focus on the other person; (2) Seldom mention my needs; (3)Are blameful; and (4)Tend to erode self-esteem.

Without the clutter of “You” messages, couples can brainstorm solutions to their issues. Continuing the brainstorming is part of this mediator’s Progress Notes.  I use lots of parentheses in raising questions as I summarize decisions and issues discussed at each session. For example, (Have you considered who stands to gain the most from taking the children as personal deductions?) (What about the possibility of avoiding the expense of shifting 401K retirement assets from a past employer to your spouse by first rolling over the assets into a rollover IRA in the former employee’s name?). Sometimes good ideas take a while to germinate—they can’t always be summoned intuitively during a 2 hour mediation session or 4-way collaborative meeting.

Progress Notes also allow the mediator to warn clients about things to avoid between sessions. Unless I am dealing with a couple with excellent interpersonal communication skills and knowledge about finances, I typically warn clients to be careful about one-on-one discussions about money and financial support.  I do this in bold letters in the Progress Notes: ‘Please do not discuss the substance of your divorce negotiations/differences outside the mediation room, except with a professional advisor.  That goes for family, friends, and particularly, communications between the two of you in or out of the house.”

Most importantly, Progress Notes allow the mediator or collaborative lawyer to repeat the high end goals expressed by both wife and husband at the first session—with the suggestion that each client measure the progress made and the decisions reached on the standard of his or her goals in entering mediation or the collaborative divorce process. One of my favorite is “I want to be able to stand next to my former spouse and witness our daughter’s wedding together.”

These high end goals are like the lighthouse beacon that serves to bring the ship through the shoals and storms to a safe harbor after a successful voyage. They guide us toward a respectful and fair divorce.  What a rewarding feeling of accomplishment on the part of both clients as well as the guides helping them along the way!

The last six months have been so busy with new divorce mediations and collaborative divorce cases that I’ve totally blown my goal of monthly posts on this website.  Website visitors last heard from me as the autumn winds were blowing.  Now the decks are getting cleared just as spring is in full bloom and summer is around the corner.  It’s time to share some learnings from this busy time in my professional life as a peacemaker.

If this is your first time on my website, you should know that during successive two hour meetings with me as their mediator, divorcing couples address the myriad issues to be resolved in their parenting plans, child support, and financial settlements.  Between sessions, they are responsible for homework such as completing a parenting plan questionnaire, valuing a house, or gathering tax returns. With a few new mediations beginning every month, I found it easier to keep good notes and resort to emails to remind clients of their homework between sessions.  Collaborative cases utilize an organized team approach so this is not an issue.

With six new divorce mediations and one collaborative case beginning in a single week last fall, I quickly realized that I needed to gear up to keep myself and my clients organized and informed of (1) new information shared at each mediation session, (2) new homework to be accomplished between sessions, and (3) the agenda for our next meeting.

Progress Notes, which are commonly used in the collaborative divorce process, proved to be the answer to my search.  Simply put, Progress Notes are ideally emailed within a few days of the mediation session.  The document is typically 3-4 pages in length and divided into sections entitled:

• What We Accomplished,
• Homework,
• Proposed Agenda for the Next Session,
• High End Goals, and
• Date/Time for the next Mediation.

Progress Notes serve a number of very useful purposes.  Starting with the last session’s accomplishments reminds the parties that they are making progress toward an out of court divorce settlement.  Their interim agreements are there in black and white. Moreover, the mediator has time to reflect on the substance of the just-concluded session and comment/raise questions on the potential ramifications of interim decisions, e.g., possible tax impacts).  Each spouse can check off homework for which he or she is responsible.  As the next session approaches, both spouses are forewarned as to the proposed agenda.  The mediator can prepare better. There are no surprises.

There are also indirect benefits from the use of Progress Notes—reminding my clients, for example,  of their high end goals from mediation, and reinforcing my admonition about talking “between sessions” about finances and other touchy topics.  More on the indirect benefits in my next post.  Please stay tuned.

Labor Day is the traditional end of summer vacation and return to work.  Not surprisingly, As a divorce mediator and collaborative lawyer, I see an upsurge of calls from couples who have deferred the hard questions of how to best conclude their marriages and parent their children in separate households.  I hear in their voices a sense of purpose and urgency.  It’s time to get back to work.

I’m guessing that the surge in the stock market and up tick in real estate prices have played a role in moving couples from planning toward action.  Some experts say that this painful recession is technically over even though unemployment has yet to move in a positive direction.  Clients tell me that they are no longer avoiding their quarterly retirement reports as their investments have chalked up the best quarterly gain in years. Nor do my mediation clients any longer take the position that 2009 house values are an aberration that should be ignored in valuing community property.

From my perspective, this renewed courage to face reality is healthy. And the willingness of couples to explore mediated divorce settlements or the collaborative divorce process is encouraging.  The good news is that mediation continues to offer an economically and emotionally satisfying alternative to traditional court-centered divorce.  And the collaborative process really does provide that necessary “safe container” for many couples needing the support of a professional team to successfully navigate the shoals of divorce.

For couples starting mediated divorce settlement negotiations or the collaborative divorce process in the last few months of 2009, it appears more likely than not that their divorce finalization will coincide with the economy’s emergence from recession into a new growth cycle.  That’s a powerful transition to new life on both counts.

 There are three kinds of collaborative divorce that I recommend to clients, depending on the circumstances.  In order of cost-savings over traditional litigation, the options are: (1) mediation, (2) the collaborative team process, and, (3) two attorneys working together cooperatively as settlement counsel, with the assistance of a mediator on an “as needed” basis. 

The Boston Law Cooperative, a multidisciplinary group of lawyers and other professionals, recently analyzed 199 of its divorce cases.  The study found that divorce mediation cost an average of $6,600 followed by an average of $19,723 for divorces using a collaborative team of lawyers, financial analysts, mental health and child specialists.  More expensive were lawyer-negotiated divorces ($26,830) while traditional divorce litigation ($77,746) is comparatively off the charts.

From my experience mediating over 100 divorces over the last few years and representing clients in collaborative divorces, the cost of mediation sounds about right while the expense of the collaborative team approach seems low.  Like most things in this world, the menu choices for couples who truly want to “get it done” and move on with their lives without acrimony depend largely on how much support the couple needs.

As a divorce mediator, one of my most important roles is to manage the mediation efficiently.  Mostly I see couples who prefer to work out their financial settlement and parenting plan by themselves with the help of a mediator but without lawyers present.  One of my responsibilities is to make sure that both the wife and husband can find their respective voices to articulate their needs and goals.

Another money saver is the assignment of homework between mediation sessions.  At the close of every mediation session in my Kirkland office (usually 2 hours in length), we schedule a next session and agree to homework to be done by husband and wife between sessions.  For example, there might be a business/house appraisal to arrange or a child specialist to see for help on what the children need in a two-house parenting arrangement.

My mediation clients and I lead busy lives and we accommodate everyone’s scheduling needs with this caveat. No one is allowed to delay the mediation process without a good reason.  In most cases, spouses conclude an overall agreement on the parenting plan, property settlement, and spousal maintenance in 4-8 months.  This typically includes a detailed Separation Agreement reciting all of the agreements of the wife and husband.  

For clients unable or unwilling to brainstorm solutions with their spouse, even with my help, mediating with lawyers present or opting for the collaborative model is best.  That being said, having lawyers present and involved with gathering information to bring to the mediation table obviously raises the costs of mediation. 

With the collaborative model, clients generally come to the collaborative lawyers first who then assemble a team of experts to help the couple with the financial and parenting content of their divorce.  The collaborative team’s objective is to hold the divorcing couple and their family in a safe container so the couple can make good decisions about their property settlement and parenting agreement.  As long as the clients are prepared for the additional costs of all this support, this model works.  In the end, the couple feels empowered to co-create their divorce settlement and parenting plan with the support of the collaborative lawyers and other professionals.

Spending an hour with an experienced family mediator/collaborative counselor-at-law can help illuminate how much support a wife or husband needs and the costs involved in choosing one or another of these options.  Dedicated as most of us are to collaboration between spouses considering divorce, I suspect that most collaborative professionals would welcome email or phone inquiries from spouses and couples uncertain which option is the best for them.

        I  have been remiss in my posts during this long and wearisome winter.  But I have my excuses.  In mid-January, my co-tenants and I were rudely informed that our landlord had lost its master lease and we needed to vacate our Bellevue digs within a week.  So, that’s how I ended up at Carillon Point in Kirkland.  I’m on the 4^th floor of Bldg. 5000 just across from the parking garage which validates parking for my clients. My new office number is 425-605-6336. This office and restaurant complex lies on the   shores of Lake Washington a couple of miles north of I-520. We have a good view of Northeast Seattle on the clear days. It’s a peaceful setting for a peacemaker.

        Unfortunately, moving offices is anything but peaceful. There are cards, stationary, envelopes, brochures, etc. to be designed, printed, and paid for—all the indices of permanence in this transit world of ours.  Meanwhile, the recession and winter have continued relentlessly—that is until spring made an appearance this past week.

        Spring is a time for renewal and new life.  Just as the cherry blossoms have emerged, the stock market is showing signs of life.  Clients tell me that they haven’t had the nerve to open their investment reports but I’m predicting that will end with the good news from Wall Street.  There are signs that this painful recession is on the wane and splitting up assets might not be such a painful reality check as we move into April.

        Divorces are painful enough as it is.  Emotions run high.  The good news is that mediation continues to offer an economically and emotionally satisfying alternative to traditional court-centered divorce.  And the collaborative process really does provide that necessary “safe container” for couples needing the support of a professional team to successfully navigate the shoals of divorce.

        The challenge is that too few divorcing couples are aware of these life-giving options to traditional divorce courts.  This spring, two of my mediator colleagues and I have dedicated ourselves to developing a third option—the voluntary use of a mediator at the earliest stages of a traditional divorce to help  cooperative lawyers and their cooperative clients gather relevant information and negotiate successful outcomes outside the court process. MORE OF THIS IN MY NEXT POST.