Sep
30
2009
Labor Day is the traditional end of summer vacation and return to work. Not surprisingly, As a divorce mediator and collaborative lawyer, I see an upsurge of calls from couples who have deferred the hard questions of how to best conclude their marriages and parent their children in separate households. I hear in their voices a sense of purpose and urgency. It’s time to get back to work.
I’m guessing that the surge in the stock market and up tick in real estate prices have played a role in moving couples from planning toward action. Some experts say that this painful recession is technically over even though unemployment has yet to move in a positive direction. Clients tell me that they are no longer avoiding their quarterly retirement reports as their investments have chalked up the best quarterly gain in years. Nor do my mediation clients any longer take the position that 2009 house values are an aberration that should be ignored in valuing community property.
From my perspective, this renewed courage to face reality is healthy. And the willingness of couples to explore mediated divorce settlements or the collaborative divorce process is encouraging. The good news is that mediation continues to offer an economically and emotionally satisfying alternative to traditional court-centered divorce. And the collaborative process really does provide that necessary “safe container” for many couples needing the support of a professional team to successfully navigate the shoals of divorce.
For couples starting mediated divorce settlement negotiations or the collaborative divorce process in the last few months of 2009, it appears more likely than not that their divorce finalization will coincide with the economy’s emergence from recession into a new growth cycle. That’s a powerful transition to new life on both counts.
Mar
15
2008
When I set the table for a mediation session, I’m sometimes reminded of all the hoopla surrounding the beginning of the Vietnam Peace Talks in Paris in the early 1970s. For those not around at the time, there were months of wrangling between the U.S. and North Vietnam on the size and shape of the table—not to mention the seating arrangements for the negotiators. I’ve found through experience that the physical environment is as important to the success of divorce mediation as it is to questions of war and peace.
Setting the mediation table means making sure that there are two chairs facing me across the conference room table. I want the divorcing couple to be sitting side by side working through their differences—not facing each other across the table. Facing each other promotes positional negotiations and confrontation, neither of which is conducive to success. Also, it is important that the mediator be able to give each spouse equal face time, reinforcing the truth that as the mediator, I am totally impartial and listening intently to both spouses on the issues important to each spouse. That becomes impossible if the couple is facing each other instead of me.
Sometimes one or both spouses will move away from each other consciously or unconsciously during the session. On one occasion, a spouse actually moved around the rectangular table, allowing him to stare at his spouse. Usually, a simple reminder will suffice to return the couple to their original positions. The more glaring example was a tip-off that this particular mediation was in trouble.
Two blank sheets of paper in front of each spouse complete the table setting. It’s a constant reminder of one of my rules, DON’T INTERRUPT!!!. As I state at the opening session, the piece of paper is for note taking in case your spouse says something that doesn’t ring true or complete in your view. I will always give both spouses equal time to correct the record so a written reminder of the “point” allows for this to happen without the need to interrupt.
These are a few examples of the importance I place on the physical environment for mediation sessions. I am always alert for whatever the divorcing couple needs to promote a learning conversation resulting in a durable agreement.