Kane Law & Divorce Mediation Services - Seattle/Bellevue/Issaquah/Redmond

Most divorcing couples who don’t want to go to court or “do it themselves,” think of their choice as between mediation or collaborative law. Mediation works for couples who can negotiate on their own behalf with the help of a skilled mediator. The collaborative process involves a team of professionals who support the couple in negotiating a fair settlement. But sometimes the couple and their team of professionals are unable to move forward because there is no case manager and the couple cannot agree on a timetable or agenda. This scenario crys out for the skills of a mediator—a hybrid process whose time has come.

As a divorce mediator, one of my most important roles is to manage the mediation. At the close of every mediation session (usually 2 hours in length), we schedule a next session and agree to homework to be done by husband and wife between sessions. For example, there might be a business/house valuation to complete or a child specialist to visit for assistance in developing a parenting plan.

My mediation clients and I lead busy lives and we accommodate everyone’s scheduling needs with this caveat. No one is allowed to delay the mediation process without a good reason. In most cases, spouses conclude an overall agreement on the parenting plan, property settlement, and spousal maintenance in 4-8 months. This typically includes a detailed Memorandum of Understanding reciting all of the agreements of the wife and husband.

Contrast this with the typical collaborative law divorce where the spouses are supported by a team of lawyers, financial and mental health specialists, and other professionals on an “as needed” basis. Too often, the process gets bogged down because no one is able to function as the case manager. If the husband or wife wants to delay the process for whatever reason, the lawyers have little power to move things along. The squeaky wheel gets all the grease as the saying goes. But what about William Gladstone’s famous quote, “Justice delayed is justice denied.”?

In the litigation world, the judge functions as the case manager. There are deadlines for pretrial discovery, motions, and trial. I believe that the mediator could and should substitute for the judge in the role of a case manager in the collaborative divorce process. It is extremely valuable for the clients, lawyers, and other professional team members to know that there is a neutral administrator available if and when that becomes necessary.

This doesn’t mean that the mediator gets involved in negotiations between the lawyers and is present at all the 4-way meetings. Nor are the team professionals and clients answerable to the mediator as they would be to a judge. What it does mean, however, is that the mediator is introduced as part of the collaborative professional team with the stated role of moving the collaborative case forward if it gets bogged down. He or she is accountable to the parties for overall administration. Spouses know from the beginning that the mediator will be called in as necessary—in itself a powerful incentive to get the job done.

My Dad’s recent death at 91 brought home to me the importance of relationships to a full and satisfying life. My siblings and I expected a half-full church occupied mainly by 75 children, stepchildren, grandchildren and great grandchildren. After all, very few of Dad’s friends and business associates were still alive. Imagine our surprise when almost 400 mourners showed up—filling every aisle and pew. There were people from Boeing, parishioners who had known dad for years, and one elderly man who had known Dad for only eleven months at the Ida Culver apartments told me, “Your dad was like a brother to me. I’ll miss him a lot.”

The mourners were not all old people. There were lots of middle-aged and even a few “20 some things.” One young lady who worked as a trainer at the local athletic club at Greenlake, wrote me, “Your dad always called me ‘Dear.’ At first I thought it was because he couldn’t remember my name but later I realized that this was a term of endearment. When I am 90, I want to be just like your dad—active and reaching out to other people.”

There were lots of lessons in Dad’s death for my profession of family mediation and collaborative law. It’s struck me that I’ve known these lessons for years prior to his death and that contributed to my decision to focus my mediation and legal practice on personal and family relationships. In helping spouses and parents mediate and collaboratively negotiate divorces and parenting plans, I feel more acutely the truth that preserving relationships is really important for themselves and their children.

My clients are generally caring people undergoing a lot of stress or they wouldn’t be seeking my legal and mediation services. But sometimes they need reminding that their spouse is the second most important person in their children’s lives. It helps to take the long view and imagine yourself at your son’s high school graduation or daughter’s wedding. Most parents and spouses see themselves as sharing the joy and pride of these very special times. Their chances of doing so are much greater if they have been gentle with each other in ending their marriages and deciding collaboratively how to parent their children.

What’s the difference between mediation and collaborative law and which would be better for me? This is one of the first and most important questions I get from a wife or husband thinking about how to divorce without hostility and court battles.

As a former litigator for almost 30 years, I have strong views on this topic. I feel that there are so many advantages to friendly divorces that mediation or collaborative law is a “no brainer” for the vast majority of couples. For me, it’s deeply satisfying and life-giving to tell prospective clients that I have put away my weapons of war and limit my practice to helping people decide how to divide their property, meet their future budgets, and (in most cases) support their children financially and emotionally.

Back to the question, there are four choices available to people who value peaceful negotiated ends to marriage as opposed to courtroom litigation usually ending in settlement just before trial. I “slice and dice” these choices in ascending order from no support to lots of support.

“DO IT YOURSELF” OPTION. The first is a “do it yourself” option that works for very few people in my experience. Couples can download the court forms from the internet, try to divide their assets and liabilities and agree on spousal and child support, fill these confusing forms correctly, and take them to one of the Commissioners who just might sign off on your divorce. I see some of these couples in mediation 2-3 years later when mom or dad want changes to the parenting plan.

“LAWYER PREPARES PAPERS” OPTION. Hiring a lawyer to prepare the papers assumes that the divorcing couple have already agreed on a property settlement and parenting plan or, more commonly, one spouse merely dictates the terms and the other spouse agrees. The lawyer represents the dictating spouse and the other spouse acknowledges that the lawyer does not represent him/her. This works best in short term marriages with no real assets and either no kids or an absentee parent. The passive spouse (usually the husband) is motivated to cooperate in order to end the marriage quickly. If everything works smoothly, this option can cost $1000 or less.

THE “MEDIATION” OPTION. Divorcing couples opting for the mediation model typically do not feel they need lawyers by their side as they negotiate their divorce collaboratively. The mediator’s job is to be totally impartial and help the couple address the important issues of property and debt division, spousal maintenance, and how the children will be supported and raised after the divorce. At the end of the process, the mediator prepares a Memorandum of Understanding that recites the spouses’ agreements on all these issues. During the mediation process, the husband and wife are encouraged to consult with lawyer coaches regarding “legal rights” if that helps them negotiate a settlement that works for each of them over the long run. People with multi-million dollar assets on down opt for mediation. Lawyers typically are not present during the mediation sessions. The key is that the couple each have power to negotiate a fair settlement with the help of the mediator. A good mediator makes sure that each party has power and feels heard around the mediation table. Depending on how long it takes to negotiate the terms of the divorce, mediation fees are typically in the $4000 to $6000 range plus the cost of lawyer-coaches who may also help the couple file the final divorce documents.

THE “COLLABORATIVE LAW” OPTION. This is the “Cadillac” of the peaceful divorce options and is especially useful when the wife (or husband) feels unable to negotiate successful outcomes . In the collaborative model, each spouse hires a lawyer with special training and commitment to resolving divorces without fighting in court. The lawyers and the spouses agree to resolve the property settlement, spousal maintenance, and parenting plan amicably. The lawyers assemble a team usually including a certified financial divorce analyst and mental health therapist to work with the couple on communication skills. Other professionals may be retained to provide career counseling and other services. The objective is to provide a safe container for the couple to discuss and come to agreement on the final settlement. The lawyers then prepare the final separation agreement and court papers. If husband or wife decides to “go to court,” the lawyers and other professionals must resign and new counsel must be hired. The cost of support by two lawyers plus the other team professionals can range from $15,000 to $25,000.

Couples choosing the mediation and collaborative law option report a high level of satisfaction with the process. As I tell my mediation and collaborative law clients, my goal is a durable agreement that is fundamentally fair to both husband and wife. You might not get everything that you want, but the negotiated outcome allows each spouse to move on with his or her life.